Muslim Dating -- Or Not!by WordsAplenty | More from this Blogger 21 Mar 2006 05:43 PM Muslims do not (or at least, should not) date. Most people are a bit surprised when I tell them that. Then they inevitably jump to the conclusion that Muslims have arranged marriages. They picture two complete strangers meeting for the first time on their wedding day. While there are some Muslims who do have arranged marriages, that is not at all the norm. Half of the ReligionMuslims place a great deal of importance on marriage. In fact, marriage is considered half of the religion, meaning that all Muslims who are able to marry should get married. Once a Muslim has decided that he or she is ready to get married, finding an appropriate spouse becomes of utmost importance. There is no dating for fun and recreation; the hunt for a spouse has begun! An Old-fashioned CourtshipHave you seen the old movies, where the boy comes to the home to "court" the girl? Well, that is what Muslim "dating" looks like. The young man and his family come to the young lady's house and meet with the entire family. Islam places a lot of importance on families and most young people value their parents' opinions. Islam also believes in the extended family, so it is important that all family members meet. Initially both families will meet and talk about important things like values, religion, desire for children, income, and way of life. An Early EngagementIf the young people feel that they are compatible and appropriately attracted to one another, they will usually decide to get engaged. After the engagement, they will get to know each other better and will often go out in groups. Even after engagement, it is not considered appropriate for the two to spend time alone. Most Muslim couples never even kiss until the wedding day! To avoid temptation, most Muslims have very short engagements. I realize that this does not sound particularly romantic. It can be quite exciting and special, though. These young people get the satisfaction of knowing that they have saved themselves for marriage. There is no need for jealousy or shame over the past. Since their courtship is not spent being intimate, they are able to find out important things about each other. They are able to think clearly about a shared future, without being blinded by hormones and lust. Whether it meets our fairytale ideas of love or not, divorce rates in Muslim countries are drastically lower than in the West. Relevantmuslim tags Muslim names | education | divorce | marriage | relationships | children | Islamic names | sex | communication | parenting User Comments  Nicole Humphrey (15757) 22 Mar 2006 01:14 PMI know there are many misconceptions about Muslims, and I also know that "arranged marriages" were one of them. I'm glad you clarified that. I enjoyed your entry!  Heather Long (16954) 22 Mar 2006 02:14 PMMisty, I am really going to enjoy this blog. Islam is one of the few religions that I really don't understand and there is so many misconceptions as Nicole said. Thank you so much for sharing. Looking forward to more! Heather  Melissa J (13710) 22 Mar 2006 03:42 PMMisty, I love the concept of courting. IMO it is the most respectful, accountable way to meet someone you may marry. I know a lot of people in the Christian faith who are adopting courting rather than dating and it's what we intend to teach our boys as well. Thanks for sharing this. MJ  WordsAplenty (4029) 22 Mar 2006 04:33 PMYes, I think courting is great. Dating for fun can have so many terrible effects-- on self esteem, reputation, and health. I think this is one old-fashioned tradition we should definitely rekindle. Thanks for reading! I hope we all learn a lot!  Kelly K. (2277) 22 Mar 2006 06:39 PMVery good article! I, personally, hate the concept of dating. Which is probably why I *don't* date. The idea of going on date after date with people who are no doubt incompatible with me in order to find a match just has never made sense to me. Leisa Wilson (528) 25 Mar 2006 02:36 AMMy husband just returned from Iraq and said that the local shop keeper bought his wife. He couldn't understand why Americans thought that was horrible. WordsAplenty (4029) 25 Mar 2006 02:43 AMBought his wife? Hmmmm.... must be an Iraqi thing, because it sure isn't an Islamic thing. Did he mean he paid a dowry? A dowry is a part of traditional Muslim marriages, but that is a gift. It is by no means buying a wife.  Lisa P (24013) 29 Mar 2006 03:53 PMThere are still many areas in the world where dowrys ("Bride Gifts" or "Bride Price") are given to the bride's family or to the bride herself. (Yes, there are Middle Eastern and Asian women who are given a gift of property, money or jewelry prior to marriage which is maintained solely as the woman's property throughout her marriage.) Sadly, not everyone's language skills are the best and rather than describing the tradition, which doesn't always translate to English, someone with limited English will simply say that they "bought" their wife. WordsAplenty (4029) 29 Mar 2006 04:29 PMThanks, Lisa. You explained that better than I did. I think I was a little sensitive about the idea that Muslim wives are bought. I think I smell a future blog topic...  Gufran (21) 06 Jul 2006 12:12 PMSalam, I think Lisa is right on the money when talking about the language translation deficiencies that occurs when trying to understand customs, traditions celebrated within the diverse islamic culture. I faced a situation trying to explain my collegue how the phrase "Arranged marriage" really should be "facilitated marriage" because it clarifies, and broadens the whole matrimonial process which in Islam, involves heavy duty, no-nonsense, serious consideration of all issues before any commitment. cestmoiperidot (12) 06 Jan 2007 06:13 PMThis is the first time I have come across a simple explaination of the Islamic traditional courtship. This would be helpful in gathering info for an article at my Valenti Interational blog. Vicarious (5) 10 Feb 2009 03:51 PMI've actually written a pseudo-blog about this myself at http://datinginislam.com/ I have to say though, you're spot on in a lot of ways, and despite the fact that I'm, "dating" my girlfriend right now, most people don't fully understand what the word means in terms of Islamic culture. AbdullahK (5) 21 Apr 2009 10:27 AM"...divorce rates in Muslim countries are drastically lower than in the West. " There is more to it than it looks like. For my mother who had to deal her physically and mentally in laws and my uncaring father, divorce simply wasn't an option. A woman in a traditional Muslim country has to fight many social and economic roadblocks to walk out of a bad marriage. First of all, divorce, especially divorce initiated by women are highly stigmatised and biased in the Islamic society. Moreover, the lack of employment or subsistence would have meant my mother having to be dependant on her parents, pushing us into a life of poverty and humiliation. Hence she had to suffer a lot more than the average western woman would have, given the same situation. To put it simply, one can't judge marital bliss by comparing divorce rates. In any case, which part of the world you consider 'western' to compare with the divorce of Islamic countries? America is not known to be the bastion of family stability, Islamic or not. If you take Italy and Spain for example, where western forms of dating are allowed, divorce rates are among the lowest in the world (even lower than Muslim nations). Community Tags Arranged Marriage, courtship, islamic marriage, muslim, marriage, Muslim datng, Muslim dating, religion, traditional values Discuss this article
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